Late, But Honest

I was going through a rather rough patch following my breakup in 2024. Not wanting to hear anything about my ex-girlfriend, and partly hoping my friends would choose to stand by me rather than her, I gradually withdrew from my friend circle, which left me feeling quite isolated and alone.

In that loneliness, I found myself falling into habits I shouldn't have. To pull myself out, I sought therapy and was put on medication for depression. It was a long process and honestly, more of an ongoing journey than a destination. The turning point came when I met Mrs. Anitha Victor Manickam, CEO of HumanDesign Education Pvt Ltd, and started working with her.

One day, as I shared my journey with her, she saw how my resentments against my ex-girlfriend were impacting me and holding me back. She immediately asked me to write a forgiveness letter to her, and without a second thought, I aligned to it and began writing -

"Dear Penny,

(This is not her real name. The real name is not used out of respect of her privacy)

I have tried apologising to you many times before. What makes this time different is that I have not written this to get you back. I have not written it to mask a weakness, and I am not writing it to uphold my ego or seem like the bigger person. I am writing it because I now understand what went wrong and what I should genuinely ask forgiveness for.

Firstly, I want to apologise for the things I said to you after the breakup. I have a tendency to hold on to anger and pain and let it dominate everything, and I followed that current without question. I should have worked on those feelings: examined them, challenged them, sought a new perspective. Instead, I acted entirely from emotion, believing that feeling something meant I had the right to express it without restraint.

I regret not finding balance between expressing my hurt and holding space for your perspective. I am sorry for not only acting the way I did, but also for blaming you for it.

My insecurities and my need for attention during our breakup had nothing to do with how you behaved. They came from a place inside me that did not believe I was worthy. I kept communicating this to myself while hoping you would bring the change, or that we would figure it out together. But these were my problems to solve. I should have been responsible for myself.

I want to be honest: I have not fully changed yet. I'm still learning, in the best way I know how. But I can say with clarity that I now see my shortcomings for what they are.

I regret losing someone as close as you because I could not take responsibility for myself. I do not feel ashamed of who I was, I acted with the understanding I had at the time. But I do want to apologise for it, because regardless of the reason, the impact was real and it was wrong.

And so, as much as I am asking for your forgiveness, I am also choosing to forgive myself for carrying and causing the hurt.

I don't expect you to forgive me immediately, and I won't rush you. But I want you to know that I value you and the bond we had far more than I value my pride. 

If there is anything I can do to make things right, I will. More than anything, I simply want to be honest with you because you deserve that."

As soon as I wrote this letter, the hatred and the blame vanished. And I was able to acknowledge how I was in this relationship and the breakup. All I was left with was admiration for her now. This was the full and full closure I looked for.

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