Returning to Myself

My sharing is about the dismantling I did for it as a broken dream. And then how I came to the realisation that it's an unbroken dream and not a broken dream.

So ever since I was six or seven, Tuesdays and Thursday evenings were meant for

taekwondo classes. While I initially hesitated going for the class, I grew to love

them. The taekwondo classes were an important space of comfort for me, but also a space that I felt powerful and in control of myself.

I was the fastest kid in class. I could go head to head with anyone in the spots that we had. But I was also the senior most female student in that class. And I had my own little fan base of young girls who wanted to be as fast and as strong as Aradhaya didi.

That class would make me feel really strong and valued as a person.

Another important tradition that the class would have was when we got upgraded from one belt to another. We would be presented with a certificate and sir would tie the new belt on our waist while the entire class would lord for us. While getting upgraded for each belt was an achievement, the black belt was the most coveted one, marking the highest level of achievement in taekwondo.

I was in ninth grade when I received the blue belt and I had only three more exams to clear for me to receive the black belt. I could see myself coming closer to my dream.

It was towards the end of ninth grade that I moved to Vasankunj and my taekwondo class, which was in my old colony, was at least an hour away from where I lived. But determined to not leave, I would still attend class once a week.

It was when my 10th pre-board approached in December 2019 that I decided to take a break from the class and resume after my boards. 20th March 2020, my boards ended and lockdown was declared shortly after. The classes moved online but I stopped attending because I didn't feel the same anymore.

And my parents supported my decision to leave the class because all of us thought that the pandemic would be short and I would be able to rejoin shortly. The pandemic lasted two years. I never rejoined the class and I never got my black belt.

I was extremely mad at myself for letting go of something that I wanted but also at my mom for letting me leave and not pushing me to continue. The impact that this had had on me is that I gave up on myself. I started losing faith in my physical capabilities but I also stopped aspiring for any goal which required some sort of long-term commitment.

What I forgave the person for is not holding me accountable or pushing me to continue for something even when they knew that this was important to me or a big dream of mine to achieve. What I asked forgiveness for was not sharing that I wanted to be held accountable but also not acknowledging the effort that my mom had put in trying to look for a Taekwondo class that was near my home instead of going at least an hour away.

However, in this conversation of forgiveness while initially I felt proud of myself for being able to have the conversation with my mom in the first place and for being able to complete the resentment that I had

with my mother for not holding me accountable, I still felt extremely guilty.

Because I was extremely guilty, the guilt that I was imposing on myself for not pushing myself to achieve something that I really wanted stayed on with me. It is then when I realised that terming this as an unbroken dream in itself was also a sign of me resigning to my guilt and not owning up to the responsibility and acknowledging the role I had to play in me giving up on this dream.

But in the acknowledgement of this guilt

I realised what was holding me back from calling it an unbroken dream was fear and lack of responsibility.

Lack of responsibility for taking ownership and holding myself accountable for my actions but also the fear that I might not be as good as before. I think while this fear still stands, I still acknowledge that not being as good as before is a reality that I have to accept and I will have to start from somewhere in order for me to achieve something that I've been wanting for a really long time.