Anitha V Manickam,
Director, Victor Manickam Knowledge Group
Human Design Educator (Contributor)

“Curious, Suppressed, Lost, escaped, defeated, free, innocence, compassion - The mile stones of my journey of self-expression.”

Born in a large joint family, it would be natural to assume that it would have been an experience of oneness and togetherness for everyone, but for me it was about being alone.
During childhood, there were too many teachers instructing me for too many things. Being curious, led me to ask questions from my elders which were always met with scolding, correcting, and beatings. I am sure it was done with the intention of nurturing, but left me baffled each time. Slowly I stopped being curious and my suppression grew.

Then began a journey to prove and prove more through my achievements in academics and extra-curricular activities. My intent was to prove a point to those who had been instrumental in suppressing my being. As I kept moving forward to prove others wrong, I kept lying to myself that how happy I was in my world of achievements, while being lonely within.

Marriage came into my life as an escape. It all happened too quickly for me to absorb and accept my marriage as a reality. I had it all - an educated husband, a good home and a son. The experience of suppression, revenge and being lost was not complete. The impact of this incompleteness within me was immense on the new family that I had created. I was confronted with LOVE at every step which I was not ready to embrace. And thus, the marriage itself was being experienced as a trap. The person who had always seen herself in her world of achievements as superior, supreme, distinct and special, was now seeing herself as guilty, ugly and a liar in this confrontational world.

The foundation of an edifice of escape from reality which began for me by leaving home at the age of 17 on the pretext of higher education, continued unknown to me till my son was about 10 years of age. This edifice of lies that I had constructed about myself ,started destroying everything I loved. The state of being unloved, unwanted, rejected, alone and separate began to assume larger proportions in my mind. The relationships that I had valued and cherished the most began to confront me beyond recognition.

I was desperate for a solution which I knew, was never going to come. Still, I tried my one last escape by leading programs. I thought, by leading, my redemption would arrive. Little did I know that there is no redemption outside, it is in acknowledging oneself within. I went further away from myself - coping, adjusting, impressing… I began to lose yet again not only myself but my family too. And now I was a defeated soul. For most people transformation is an awakening but for me the journey of transformation ended in a defeat. Though feeling defeated and destroyed, something in me was not ready to accept the defeat and live the life of the DEAD.

I began the painful and arduous journey of getting my authentic self-back by restoring my relationship first with my son and then with my husband and at last with my-self. It was nerve wrecking, both mentally and physically. I was probably wrecking everything to restore my-self. Such hard was the construct of lies that I had woven around myself. I began to confront my lies and acknowledge the chaos, the revenge, the suppression and took responsibility for it, piece by piece. In doing so, I got the glimpses of freedom which was a new experience for me. Freedom was scary. Freedom was intoxicating.

As I broke every thought and let go of every resentment, I began to discover love within me. The love that I had always rejected, thinking of it as a trap, was in reality - Freedom. It hit me hard. Love dissolved revenge. Service became my contribution. Adulation and appreciation were no longer part of me. Hard won titles of director, founder, counsellor and all lost their meaning.

The true self - innocence and compassion was acknowledged and embraced and a new journey to discover my self-expression began. Now I am curious to discover life with freedom.


As a contributor today, I can only say, the truest contribution to humanity is to confront oneself. Because in doing so only, can you be of service to others in discovering their own self-expression. Now I believe that there is no greater service to humanity than helping others in restoring one’s self-expression. I stand for the Self-expression of every human being that I engage with.


I am a Contributor.