When You Justify, You Negate the Other Person’s Experience

For a long time, whenever someone told me they were hurt by something I said or did, my first instinct was to explain myself. I would say things like, “That wasn’t my intention,” or “You misunderstood me,” or “That’s not what I meant.” I thought I was clarifying — offering context, trying to make things right. But one day, my teacher said to me, “It isn’t about your intention, it is about the impact of your actions. Deveeka, nobody has the intention of hurting you. People do not go out there thinking that hurting you will cause them fun or happiness, yet something they do has an impact on you which you interpret as hurt. Similarly, with you – it’s not like you want to hurt but can you consider the possibility that people can feel pain through your actions?” “Yes ma’am, I can consider.” “So then if you justify your intent, will it serve any purpose?” “I don’t think so ma’am, I think it will only make me better - not them” “And how do you think they’ll feel?” “I think they’ll feel invalidated, like they’ll shut off from telling me that they felt something because of me.” “Is your intention to make them shut off?” “Not at all. In fact, I consider myself a safe space.” “But in justifying or defending, you agree that the impact is them shutting off?” “I got the point. It’s not about my intention, it is the impact of my actions.”

I got this in a conversation, and yet to be aware and choose each time takes so much. My reflex is to explain. I can feel the words forming in my head: “That wasn’t my intention” when someone is expressing their hurt.

But I’ve learnt to observe that reflex and give myself the opportunity to respond, “I acknowledge my action caused you to feel this.”

That one simple acknowledgment softens everything.

I saw how powerful it is to just acknowledge another’s experience — to not argue with it, not correct it, not justify it. That’s it. No stories, no explanations, no counterpoints.

And what’s amazing is that this doesn’t make me feel small or guilty — it makes me feel accepting. Because when I let someone’s experience be valid, I’m not losing ground. I’m expanding my awareness.

There’s a deep humility in that — in knowing that I can impact someone’s life with my words or actions, even when I didn’t intend to. That’s part of being human. If I invalidate that, I miss getting my importance or relevance in someone’s life as well.

I think that’s what humility really is. Not thinking less of myself, but being aware that I can impact people and people impact me. Knowing that my words have power. Knowing that my actions ripple.And being willing to own that — gently, without guilt, without pride.

I further studied this in session 8 of Shine Program for Life, ‘Impact Experience and Greatness’ and that just made it so real and palpable for me!