The Self-Expression of Siddhant Mahajan

Learner, Reader, Actor, Craftsman, Chartered Accountant and Leader

Since the time I became conscious of myself, for some innate reason, I felt blessed. I didn’t know why I felt so, but I truly felt. I felt the whole world belongs to me and I belong to the whole world.

I distinctly remember this as the earliest experience of myself. My parents and my older brother who showered their love and care made it feel like I was in the perfect place, my home. Everything belonged to me including those that my brother discarded.

Little did I realise, I was doled out the old and he was given the new. In this realisation, love, care and the perfect place of my home which was so innate moved to the surface and the feeling of betrayal, unloved, hurt and anger was being built underneath.

This duality began to create the manipulator, an art which I mastered in due course. Having mastered the art of manipulation, it was automatic to be recognised as intelligent, knowledgeable, mature and responsible. I had learnt the art of survival in this world. I was now

loved by my teachers, wanted by my friends and respected by many due to my achievements in both academics and extra curricular activities.

"I was the hero of Montfort School, Roorkee, Uttarakhand wanted by all, while I needed none. I was on my own."

I was uprooted from the comfort of my world in Montfort School to the dangers of Army Public School, Dhaula Kuan, as my father who was in the army got posted to Delhi. This school was so big that it was intimidating and I felt scared. I was thrown into the hands of the perils of this large world and once again, on my own, I had to learn to survive.

I took recourse to intelligence, and with the gift of manipulation, step by step, restored the power, grandeur and heroism within me in this new world.

"The heroes always win, never fail."

I began to fear failure lest I lose my heroism. I could now not fail, and that was the only thing I kept telling myself and kept listening to the same.

As most heroes I knew then, often experienced being alone, I too experienced the same as I

held onto being the hero in my world. The hero could not give up Chartered Accountancy midway to pursue his call for acting and stayed on course to complete it in the first attempt.

A hero once again, alone all the time.

I moved to Mumbai in 2013 to pursue my calling to be a hero in movies and so did she, which I

felt was for me. I was her hero, she was mine. Together we began to build a dream all on our own. This was it. My life, my career, my woman. I had found it all. I was living a dream which within the next few years began to crumble, piece by piece. I lost her. I didn't know where my career was going and where my life was.

The hero, the resilient, the intelligent, the mature, the responsible, the respected was all under question.

"What seemed to remain was just the manipulator at large, me manipulating myself."

That’s who I had now become, refusing to acknowledge my self doubt. In 2018, I met her. She is called Deveeka, but for me she is real, she is love, she is my mirror. She awakened me to my own fears, my resentments, my self doubt and restored within me the glimpse of my own blessedness which I had experienced as a child and forgotten as I grew up.

Now I was disturbed and yet wouldn’t want to let go of her for she was real. In that experience I began to accept myself with a certain awareness. I had begun to confront myself and in doing so, fell in love with her forever. As Absurd as it may seem, it was real. 2018 you will forever be remembered.

Time doesn’t stop in 2018, it’s followed by 2019 and in that year I encountered two distinct human beings who I, without my conscious knowledge, chose rather inadvertently to be my mentors. Ms. Daminee Benny Basu, my acting teacher who introduced me to the ‘Eric Morris Acting System’ and the Being state, Mr. Victor Manickam (with whom my relationship remains undefined) through whom I was educated in the ‘Program for Life’ where I discovered love, innocence, surrender and forgiveness within myself. I made the journey of forgiveness to Gratitude for the three pillars in my life, my papa, my mumma and my bhai. I love you so much.

I began to feel myself now as real after a long time. I wanted to live the real, but the manipulator being so well accepted all around, the real was rejected. In this duality existed my turmoil within and my disgust on the outside.

On the evening of 6th June 2021, as I found myself being certified a Human Design Educator, I stood there discovering the teacher within me who had learnt through life to restore the belief that I AM.

Nothing of the past remains the same for the believer sees it anew and there is nothing for the manipulator to perceive.

"It's all within me, the betrayed, the blessed, the villain, the hero, the unloved, the loved, the rejected, the accepted, the irresponsible, the responsible, the know it all, the learner, the resistance, the surrender, the anguish, the compassion. It's all in me, there is nothing outside for I am The Universe."

Who Am I	Innocence & Joy
World I Am In	Bliss
Legacy	Love
Purpose	Inventing the Being / Physics
Reason I Exist	To experience and live the inner child
My Contribution	Compassion
I Am	Universe

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These aren't just blogs. They're lived experiences of hiding, returning, forgiving, and beginning again. If you found yourself in someone else's words, there's a place for your story too. Book a free call with a Human Design Educator to know more today!

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