Talk to the Person — Not Their Personality

There’s a small but powerful difference I’d become aware of — and it changed the way I communicate. It’s the distinction between addressing what’s happening and addressing who the person is.

It might sound simple, but this distinction has shifted everything for me. I began noticing it when I reflected on how I feel when someone criticises me. When a person speaks to me about a situation — something I did, said, or forgot — I can receive it. I listen, and even if it’s uncomfortable, I can use it to my advantage.

For example, when my mentor had said, “I haven’t received this content from you” — I can get that easily. It’s clear, it’s factual, and it gives me a chance to act on it.

But when feedback would be given as a blanket statement about me — like, “You’re always careless” or “You never take responsibility” — something in me closes up. My body tenses, my mind starts defending, and the space for listening disappears.

It’s not the message that hurts — it’s the generalization. And I realized, if this is how I feel when it’s done to me, how often might I have been doing the same to others?

That awareness hit hard.

I started observing my own conversations. Whenever I was upset or disappointed, I noticed how easily I slipped into statements like “You always…” or “You never…” And in that instant, I stopped talking to the moment and started talking to a label.

That’s when communication breaks.

When I began consciously shifting my language — speaking about the specific situation rather than the person — something magical happened. People stopped getting defensive. Conversations became lighter, more solution-oriented, and less charged.

It wasn’t about sugarcoating or avoiding the truth. It was about honouring the person even while addressing what went wrong.

Now, when I speak, I try to pause for a moment and check my words before they leave my mouth. I ask myself: Am I talking about what happened, or about who they are?

That one moment of consciousness has the power to change the entire outcome of a conversation.

When we talk about the situation, the person can listen. When we talk about the person, they can only protect themselves.

This realization has delighted me more than I can express — I can now see how consciously choosing my words impacts not just the flow of the conversation, but the feeling that remains after it.

It’s not just about being right or wrong anymore — it’s about staying connected while being real.

And I think that’s what true communication really is:

Not talking at someone, but with them — about what’s here, now, in this moment — human to human, heart to heart.