Motherhood is a beautiful experience. It taught me gratitude.

If my child didn't choose us as parents I could never become a mother. If my husband didn't choose me as his wife I wouldn't have become a parent for the child of mine.

To acknowledge truly, it was the happiness of those 9 months which I experienced at the stage when I was waiting for a child to be born. After that delivery, relatives intrusion, people's advice, everyone's expectations and in-law's expectation, husband's needs, child's needs a lot was going on. Truly no time to experience happiness later. I don't even have time to reflect on how I missed the happiness for the bundle of joy which came into the family.

"Slowly growing up needs, husband's sacrifices for the child, and attention division in spite of all this trying to spend time with the child. I messed it up 200 percent."

Already a confused way of being that I am. Now dealing and then adjusting to the change of place for marriage, settling for the new found relationships, my own inauthenticities, grievance management program, hyperactive child with full of energy, all life's and relatives expectations, creating new life, the expectation of the husband not very big but to have a mature wife to deal with all crisis at home, with great understanding and support. In between child needs, his schooling, his studies, extra curricular activities… home works, assignments, tests everyday work I was just a housewife. Struggling with low self worth for not working. Never been at home without job till I got married. Contemplating of being a house wife cause I had too much to handle. What joy of being a mother I experienced? When I look back, the above was the reality. Messing up the finances, fights with my husband, not knowing how to handle the impact of my childhood trauma which manifests the trauma of my son and my husband as an add on to the cart. Everywhere only mess ups, confusion and frustration all along. In spite of all the confusions, that one smile of my child who trusts me for his existence, food and water. In that one shivering in my heart to somehow give him what he wants in whatever I am having, that was not me till then. I've made myself so insensitive for any of these emotions till then due to my trauma.

"But when I look back - that smile, trust and holding the hand with so much vulnerability, asking for help from me for himself in his fears; that sensitive feeling of my son when I and my husband were fighting for years in our marriage for various reasons — what would've been the state of that child which trusted us as parents and especially trusted me as a mother."

In front of that vulnerable heart I wouldn't have regretted even if I've become a murderer, thief or the worst human being in the world. This thought doesn't fall in the bracket of being a good mother. It's important to be a mother. That is the love I experienced as a mother. These small things - trust, belief, love and faith of the child made me a mother, how many ever times I got proved as a bad human being. The beauty of a motherhood is so pure whatever kind of a human being; the state of motherhood is very pure. In other words we can say motherhood as a state of woman is an opportunity for human beings to experience divinity within us. Thank you Ben and all children in the family and in the created family to make me experience this divinity about me in this life. I am so grateful for who you are in my life. I have lot of gratitude to Mr. Victor Manickam for creating this opportunity for me to enjoy. With love,

Mother.

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This brings me to a place where I have respect for all mothers in the world.

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